June 1, 2013

What exactly are feelings?

I always hate the feeling when I am interested in a girl.. Yes! the dreadful feeling is terrible yet I have to admit its so amazing..

Known her for 9 months.. well, she was not someone who was close to me. We barely know each other though it was just a block away at my workplace. I knew her through a fren, since then I have only met her for a few times. And most of the times we just smile at each other and walk away. She was definitely not the girl I was looking for at that point of time.


But feelings are always so amazing. It just comes and goes, and I really dunno how to handle it well.. maybe that why I am not good when it comes to relationship. I become interested in her. Ya, the feeling to know her better get stronger as the day goes by. Sadly, I dare not make the effort to get her no as I am uncertain of myself when it comes to relationship. I am always good at the start but bad as the relationship get longer. Haiz. why am I someone like that?

It dragged for so many months and I dunno if its just by chance or called fate, I managed to get her no. At that point of time, its when the feeling start to come. The urge to know her is so terribly strong that I dunno how to react. I know myself that I will be making the same mistake again and true enough, I guess I did.

Haha.. I actually tell her I am interested in her after a few days msging each other. The typical me again.. The only difference I guess is cos she actually confide in me her feelings which I felt she was so close to me at that point of time. Haiz.. I dunno wat I was doing.. really. I am certain I really interested in her but I dunno her character well enough.


I asked her out to watch movies and yup, she agreed. haha.. Seem like I have a chance right? but haha, I guess not. Well.. I dunno if it will always be like that, but I have to say that I am friend-zoned.. haha. this was an interesting term her fren use on me. (we bumped into her fren and she was so stunned.. kind of make me feel embarrassed)And sadly, I agreed with her fren. Maybe she feels that we barely know each other, so being fren is better which I have to admit is correct of her to feel that way. But because of my character again, I have to admit that I am very sad and disappointed. ya, that's the me which I hate myself to be. I have never been a good guy, a guy who love a girl and expect nothing from her. I am really a failure at this.

Nevertheless, the time spent tgt with her was both good and bad. haha. Comfortable with her at times and yet not comfortable with her at other times. I guess I will keep this part to myself. But I have to say maybe we are not really suitable for each other after all.

Haiz, the most difficult part now is I dunno wat to do. really dunno wat to do. If u will to tell me that since we are not suitable, I should move on and find someone suitable, I clearly understood. This is something that I know myself and have been telling myself. But why my feelings going against me? Y do I still feel so attracted to her? Even going through all the uncomfortable part in our meeting, I still feel so hard to let my feelings go. Just because she "rejected" me in a nice way and I am not satisfied with the outcome so I cling on to it? how terrible a person I am. I feel so bad.

Haiz.. now I guess all I can say is that I continue to think about her. my feelings always win my mind.. and I really hate it.