i should've but i couldn't... *guilt*
ps: heaven is crying again... blanket up well and dun catch a cold...
August 28, 2009
August 26, 2009
HappY 22nd BirThdaY to YoU
It had been a quiet night. I still remember sitting alone at the bus stop waiting for them to arrive. There had been a lot of things that I wanted to do for you on this day but I could not. Nevertheless, I felt terribly excited yet very nervous. After all, it was an important day for you as it marked another chapter of your life. But your attitude towards me had not been the same anymore. We seem to have reached the stage where your feeling towards me is no longer more than just friends. I was so afraid to lose you again.
I had arrived early because I need to collect the candles that I ordered. A few days back I had already gone over to your place to look for a suitable place for the lighting of the candles. Actually, there should have been more than just the candles. The initial idea was candles and balloons. Imagine having balloons tied and filled with cylume sticks. When you look out, instead of just seeing the candles below, you will also be seeing a lot of glowing balloons flying upwards. It was really a pity that I was not able to get all those.
Finally the whole party arrived and we spent the remaining time setting up the candles. It was really weird on top there when your house was so near to us. I could not help thinking how people would feel when they look out of the window and saw a gang of people there lighting candles. Luckily you did not have the habit to look out if not there would not have been a surprise for you.
It was near midnight when everything was ready. I was to go up to the top of your next block and look down at the preparation. When I was on top, I was really touched and felt gratitude toward all those who had helped me. But I am quite scared that I am meeting you soon.
It was midnight. I called and wished you. I told you to open the door instead of me having to press the bell. The usual as I dare not disturb the rest of your family. You opened and were presented with a bouquet of flowers. 20 roses which signified sincerity and the last 1 rose is myself, together adding up to 21 roses which mean committed to you. I guess it was quite silly but I do feel happy about it.
Unfortunately, I could not help feeling a bit disappointed with your reaction. The smile I received was not like what it used to be, or what I thought it should have been. I guess you were quite surprise when there was only me outside your door. I directed you to your window and asked you to look down.
I know you were touched by the scene but once again I could not help feeling disappointed. I never see your tears which you usually have when you are feeling very touched. I guess what I done no longer touched your heart like before. Nevertheless, I hugged you from behind but I did not know why it just did not feel the same anymore. You seem to impose a barrier between us. I am really hurt.
I called them all up and we sing for you. Your smile towards them seems more natural and friendlier. At that time I really wish that you can be like that towards me too. I did not like the coldness from you. But I guess I make it worse. It turned out that the cake I bought become a joke for everyone. How silly I have been and I blamed myself for being so stupid.
You do not seem too willing to take photos with me. Maybe I was just being over-sensitive again. The looks on your face when you take photos with me seem so awkward every time. I was always wondering if my presence at your side really make you feel so uneasy.
I dare not talk much with you that night because I thought you do not seem to want to talk to me. You received your presents from them and you never ask from me. I am supposed to give you a surprise for the present but I guess I am not one who is good at keeping secret. I told you the surprise long ago. The cross stitch I made take me quite a while. It was not that nice but I did put in a lot of effort and wish that you like it. Actually, it was not what I originally planned to do for you in the first place. I had wanted to do a scrap book for you. Inside there should be some beautiful memories of us together. Like photos on some important occasions or some puzzle kind of things. Like a nice photo of us together and I make it into a jigsaw puzzle for you. That why I have been asking you for photos of us together but it turned out that I could not find a lot of nice photos we took together. I had to be blamed as I am the one not wanting to take photos with you all along. I even realize that we do not have photos on some special occasions. What I had of us together seem to be just some neoprints, a lot of movie tickets, some dates of our first kiss or movie etc.
By the time we are leaving, I leave the present by your bedside without you knowing at all. You drove the others back home first and I insisted you to drive back home instead of sending me back too. I do not know why I am always worrying about you but I am glad that you did listen to me again.
It was already quite late. There was a lot of mist along the way back. You were very tired at that time as you had not been feeling well for the past few days. It hurt me because I could not anything to help. Whenever you are sick, I always thought why there are no ways to help other people suffer if they have been willing to. I keep looking at you on the way back and I was happy as you were not that cold towards me. We had some laughter together and I told you that that I had already given you present. You were surprised that I have secretly put the present by your bedside.
I did not know if I did give you a wonderful night. I did not really know if you did receive a memorable 21th birthday. I also did not know what you were feeling. But when I received your message “Thanks dear… smuah.. it’s really lovely” , I could not help feeling my eyes going wet. At least I knew that day that you appreciate what I had done……
It has been a year and I hope that you treasure everything I had done for you on that day because I guess it will be the last birthday that I am celebrating for you. I am regret and sorry to say that I think it is the only memorable birthday that I have given you all these years. But I believe it does not matter much to you anymore because for your other upcoming birthdays, you have found someone so much better than me to help you celebrate.
For the past few years I have always message you at midnight, hoping that I will be the first to send my best regards to you because you really mean a lot to me. But I think from now onwards I should give up the chance to someone else that you hope it will be.
Happy birthday baby galz..
I had arrived early because I need to collect the candles that I ordered. A few days back I had already gone over to your place to look for a suitable place for the lighting of the candles. Actually, there should have been more than just the candles. The initial idea was candles and balloons. Imagine having balloons tied and filled with cylume sticks. When you look out, instead of just seeing the candles below, you will also be seeing a lot of glowing balloons flying upwards. It was really a pity that I was not able to get all those.
Finally the whole party arrived and we spent the remaining time setting up the candles. It was really weird on top there when your house was so near to us. I could not help thinking how people would feel when they look out of the window and saw a gang of people there lighting candles. Luckily you did not have the habit to look out if not there would not have been a surprise for you.
It was near midnight when everything was ready. I was to go up to the top of your next block and look down at the preparation. When I was on top, I was really touched and felt gratitude toward all those who had helped me. But I am quite scared that I am meeting you soon.
It was midnight. I called and wished you. I told you to open the door instead of me having to press the bell. The usual as I dare not disturb the rest of your family. You opened and were presented with a bouquet of flowers. 20 roses which signified sincerity and the last 1 rose is myself, together adding up to 21 roses which mean committed to you. I guess it was quite silly but I do feel happy about it.
Unfortunately, I could not help feeling a bit disappointed with your reaction. The smile I received was not like what it used to be, or what I thought it should have been. I guess you were quite surprise when there was only me outside your door. I directed you to your window and asked you to look down.
I know you were touched by the scene but once again I could not help feeling disappointed. I never see your tears which you usually have when you are feeling very touched. I guess what I done no longer touched your heart like before. Nevertheless, I hugged you from behind but I did not know why it just did not feel the same anymore. You seem to impose a barrier between us. I am really hurt.
I called them all up and we sing for you. Your smile towards them seems more natural and friendlier. At that time I really wish that you can be like that towards me too. I did not like the coldness from you. But I guess I make it worse. It turned out that the cake I bought become a joke for everyone. How silly I have been and I blamed myself for being so stupid.
You do not seem too willing to take photos with me. Maybe I was just being over-sensitive again. The looks on your face when you take photos with me seem so awkward every time. I was always wondering if my presence at your side really make you feel so uneasy.
I dare not talk much with you that night because I thought you do not seem to want to talk to me. You received your presents from them and you never ask from me. I am supposed to give you a surprise for the present but I guess I am not one who is good at keeping secret. I told you the surprise long ago. The cross stitch I made take me quite a while. It was not that nice but I did put in a lot of effort and wish that you like it. Actually, it was not what I originally planned to do for you in the first place. I had wanted to do a scrap book for you. Inside there should be some beautiful memories of us together. Like photos on some important occasions or some puzzle kind of things. Like a nice photo of us together and I make it into a jigsaw puzzle for you. That why I have been asking you for photos of us together but it turned out that I could not find a lot of nice photos we took together. I had to be blamed as I am the one not wanting to take photos with you all along. I even realize that we do not have photos on some special occasions. What I had of us together seem to be just some neoprints, a lot of movie tickets, some dates of our first kiss or movie etc.
By the time we are leaving, I leave the present by your bedside without you knowing at all. You drove the others back home first and I insisted you to drive back home instead of sending me back too. I do not know why I am always worrying about you but I am glad that you did listen to me again.
It was already quite late. There was a lot of mist along the way back. You were very tired at that time as you had not been feeling well for the past few days. It hurt me because I could not anything to help. Whenever you are sick, I always thought why there are no ways to help other people suffer if they have been willing to. I keep looking at you on the way back and I was happy as you were not that cold towards me. We had some laughter together and I told you that that I had already given you present. You were surprised that I have secretly put the present by your bedside.
I did not know if I did give you a wonderful night. I did not really know if you did receive a memorable 21th birthday. I also did not know what you were feeling. But when I received your message “Thanks dear… smuah.. it’s really lovely” , I could not help feeling my eyes going wet. At least I knew that day that you appreciate what I had done……
It has been a year and I hope that you treasure everything I had done for you on that day because I guess it will be the last birthday that I am celebrating for you. I am regret and sorry to say that I think it is the only memorable birthday that I have given you all these years. But I believe it does not matter much to you anymore because for your other upcoming birthdays, you have found someone so much better than me to help you celebrate.
For the past few years I have always message you at midnight, hoping that I will be the first to send my best regards to you because you really mean a lot to me. But I think from now onwards I should give up the chance to someone else that you hope it will be.
Happy birthday baby galz..
August 19, 2009
if only i can run away... =(
A series of disappointment make me feel angry and sad... i just dunno wat i'm suppose to do abt them...
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