Just yday I tidied my desk when I came upon some memories of you...

I feel the love that we once shared.. Bitter and sweet... and I cherish all that we have been together... Around 6 years of love and 10 years of friendship...

Phew... Time really seem to have gone by so fast... I felt so relieved.. At least now I know that you are contended.. you have managed to find the one that you are willing to spend ur rest of the life with.. Even though u nv told me much, I know that you are really trying your best effort to pursue this relationship.. I sincerely wish you all the best..

And I am really happy yday.. 23 Dec... It will be remembered...

左边

你不曾发觉
你总是用右手 牵着我
但是心却跳动 在左边
你和我之间 的遥远
永远隔着亲切 爱少得可怜

伸出 右手
想陪着你 向前走
感受 你爱我的心跳 在左边
那么深深爱你的我
相信你 会了解...

Is this how we all used to be like when we are 16?

Playful... Hanging out with frens oftenly...
Comfortable... Enjoying one another's company...
Tao qi... Laughing and joking with one another...
Carefree... Not as much stress as we are having now...
In love... love at first sight or even crush?

But what is it now?

Responsible... Having to account for our actions
Understandable... Need to learn to know how to get along with others
Stressful... Studies, work or even relationships
Not in love... Trying to maintain, getting away or finding a new one?


It seems that I am getting emo again... Argh..

I need a wide smile...

Am I one who usually dun smile alot? Maybe those dunno me well will think so...

I need to give a wide smile...

Totally frustrated!!!

I am this type of person... I believe I have tried very hard le.. I just dunno wat shld I do to make you feel better... Y cant you just take it more lightheartedly? You are just making everyone feel pressurized la... you really think is gd for me... den just be it...

How good am I?

It just feel weird to be like by someone whom she is definitely not my type!!!
I think I am dead...


But at least this shows that I am not a piece of rubbish after all.. Haha

2more days...

No appetite...
Cant sleep well...
Worried...
Not well...
Tired...
Stressed...

Haizz

lost of appetite...

if I have the chance to go back in time...

"guh eht deen uoy wonk i soc tnemom taht ta pots emit ekam lliw i"

22112145

I will have wished that time will freeze at that moment...
I know its different...

And if only I can... I hope I can always be selfish...


*IBS == incurable*

Comfort is wat i need now...

If you were to ask me the same qns you always ask... I would have said yes to it...

I really do need a listening ear now...

At least I wun make others unhappy if its you...

If only I can get the hugs that i missed so much...

367days...

yup.. shld be so long le...

I guess a long way more to go...

Y must opposite sex attract?

I have too many things in my mind now and i really dunno where to start..

Y must everything turn out to be like that also?
Y is it so hard to be with someone?
Y must I be caught in it once again?
Who say I dun understand the feeling of pain and helplessness?
Who say it's so easy to let go?
And ...

In the end,
I choose to run away... but I dunno what I have to do...
So do walk through with me...
Pick up the strength and courage and i believe we'll make it...

Touched by an angel...

A simple msg by you told me that i am not alone...
A million thanks to you shows that i appreciated your concern...
A hug from me to you means i miss your presence too...
A good luck wish will sure driven us to strive hard together...

And.. (crossed my heart)

A pact with you promised that we will meet again soon...

R.I.P

Life is miserable if one have to suffer from so much problems... *Sob*

Irritated nose.....
Who else can sneeze more than 5 times in a row other than me?
I think i have a record in sch one time when i sneeze around 10 times in 2-3 sec interval... Make me so embarrassed cos it's lecture time! Who the hell is thinking of me so badly?

Forever 3 month prenancy......
Bloat bloat and bloat... Sometimes like a balloon... It's really tiring to carry a "child" that long... Think it had been more than 10 years liao... Dun say i nv see doc!!! Doc also dunno what is the matter la.. Dunno their precription is for wat sia.. It just wont cure... Haiz... sometimes bloat until so jialat and is damn painful... No one will understand the pain i have to endure when i am not a "girl" in the first place... Here it comes again.. gastric pain... Btw, mine can play like a drum... boom boom boom... always the same sound... -.-"

Old liao...
Dun be mistaken lor.. i am still young at heart... It's just that i dunno wat's wrong with my right leg... Know the feeling of "suan tong"? Very hard to eplain but it's happening to my right leg... Mainly the "suan tong" is from the knee lor... Haiz... Maybe i going to kana "feng shi bing" liao lor.. Also see doc check xray but the doc only say "it's fine.. nothing wrong... just do some "leg raise" exercise".. If really nothing wrong.. why am i still experience the pain??


Haiz... If all these problems have been haunting you so oftenly, how will you feel?
try to act as if nothing happen? Maybe that wat i have been doing ba.. I think i am destinated to die early... Maybe like that also good.. dun need suffer so long..

哭過就好了

哭過就好了
傷都會好的
這樣相信所以深呼吸著割捨
愛是為了擁抱　為了牽手
不是為了爭吵　為了調頭
哭過就好了
痛都會走的
記憶有限　所以它會淘汰壞的
失眠聽歌 想念雖然苦澀
還是謝謝你讓我長大了

i din expect myself.. but guess wat happens...

Sometimes i dun understand wat i am thinking... Even though i know i should have reacted in a different way, it just turn out to be not wat i have expected...

It may be hard to accept... and tears is one of the solution.. haiz...
but i guess i understood...

Late in the night..

sick le have to take med even if dun like.. get well...

Deadlock...

i should've but i couldn't... *guilt*

ps: heaven is crying again... blanket up well and dun catch a cold...

HappY 22nd BirThdaY to YoU

It had been a quiet night. I still remember sitting alone at the bus stop waiting for them to arrive. There had been a lot of things that I wanted to do for you on this day but I could not. Nevertheless, I felt terribly excited yet very nervous. After all, it was an important day for you as it marked another chapter of your life. But your attitude towards me had not been the same anymore. We seem to have reached the stage where your feeling towards me is no longer more than just friends. I was so afraid to lose you again.

I had arrived early because I need to collect the candles that I ordered. A few days back I had already gone over to your place to look for a suitable place for the lighting of the candles. Actually, there should have been more than just the candles. The initial idea was candles and balloons. Imagine having balloons tied and filled with cylume sticks. When you look out, instead of just seeing the candles below, you will also be seeing a lot of glowing balloons flying upwards. It was really a pity that I was not able to get all those.

Finally the whole party arrived and we spent the remaining time setting up the candles. It was really weird on top there when your house was so near to us. I could not help thinking how people would feel when they look out of the window and saw a gang of people there lighting candles. Luckily you did not have the habit to look out if not there would not have been a surprise for you.

It was near midnight when everything was ready. I was to go up to the top of your next block and look down at the preparation. When I was on top, I was really touched and felt gratitude toward all those who had helped me. But I am quite scared that I am meeting you soon.

It was midnight. I called and wished you. I told you to open the door instead of me having to press the bell. The usual as I dare not disturb the rest of your family. You opened and were presented with a bouquet of flowers. 20 roses which signified sincerity and the last 1 rose is myself, together adding up to 21 roses which mean committed to you. I guess it was quite silly but I do feel happy about it.

Unfortunately, I could not help feeling a bit disappointed with your reaction. The smile I received was not like what it used to be, or what I thought it should have been. I guess you were quite surprise when there was only me outside your door. I directed you to your window and asked you to look down.

I know you were touched by the scene but once again I could not help feeling disappointed. I never see your tears which you usually have when you are feeling very touched. I guess what I done no longer touched your heart like before. Nevertheless, I hugged you from behind but I did not know why it just did not feel the same anymore. You seem to impose a barrier between us. I am really hurt.

I called them all up and we sing for you. Your smile towards them seems more natural and friendlier. At that time I really wish that you can be like that towards me too. I did not like the coldness from you. But I guess I make it worse. It turned out that the cake I bought become a joke for everyone. How silly I have been and I blamed myself for being so stupid.

You do not seem too willing to take photos with me. Maybe I was just being over-sensitive again. The looks on your face when you take photos with me seem so awkward every time. I was always wondering if my presence at your side really make you feel so uneasy.

I dare not talk much with you that night because I thought you do not seem to want to talk to me. You received your presents from them and you never ask from me. I am supposed to give you a surprise for the present but I guess I am not one who is good at keeping secret. I told you the surprise long ago. The cross stitch I made take me quite a while. It was not that nice but I did put in a lot of effort and wish that you like it. Actually, it was not what I originally planned to do for you in the first place. I had wanted to do a scrap book for you. Inside there should be some beautiful memories of us together. Like photos on some important occasions or some puzzle kind of things. Like a nice photo of us together and I make it into a jigsaw puzzle for you. That why I have been asking you for photos of us together but it turned out that I could not find a lot of nice photos we took together. I had to be blamed as I am the one not wanting to take photos with you all along. I even realize that we do not have photos on some special occasions. What I had of us together seem to be just some neoprints, a lot of movie tickets, some dates of our first kiss or movie etc.

By the time we are leaving, I leave the present by your bedside without you knowing at all. You drove the others back home first and I insisted you to drive back home instead of sending me back too. I do not know why I am always worrying about you but I am glad that you did listen to me again.

It was already quite late. There was a lot of mist along the way back. You were very tired at that time as you had not been feeling well for the past few days. It hurt me because I could not anything to help. Whenever you are sick, I always thought why there are no ways to help other people suffer if they have been willing to. I keep looking at you on the way back and I was happy as you were not that cold towards me. We had some laughter together and I told you that that I had already given you present. You were surprised that I have secretly put the present by your bedside.
I did not know if I did give you a wonderful night. I did not really know if you did receive a memorable 21th birthday. I also did not know what you were feeling. But when I received your message “Thanks dear… smuah.. it’s really lovely” , I could not help feeling my eyes going wet. At least I knew that day that you appreciate what I had done……

It has been a year and I hope that you treasure everything I had done for you on that day because I guess it will be the last birthday that I am celebrating for you. I am regret and sorry to say that I think it is the only memorable birthday that I have given you all these years. But I believe it does not matter much to you anymore because for your other upcoming birthdays, you have found someone so much better than me to help you celebrate.

For the past few years I have always message you at midnight, hoping that I will be the first to send my best regards to you because you really mean a lot to me. But I think from now onwards I should give up the chance to someone else that you hope it will be.

Happy birthday baby galz..

if only i can run away... =(

A series of disappointment make me feel angry and sad... i just dunno wat i'm suppose to do abt them...

pek chek

it's been a while since i blog... everything seems not going smooth for me... haiz... i am tired and vexed... hols coming to an end le.. i tot i can enjoy this last part but y more and more problems keep surfacing... argh....

Radiotherapy centre

From the moment i step in.. i dunno y i feel weak all of a sudden... i guess i feel the fear...

A few minutes of therapy seem like hell..

Ubin trip

Early morning have to drag myself up to go to Ubin... Argh.. Sian...

Have a cycling trip over there.. Bq say it will be a day of fun filled activities... (although i dunno how fun it can be over there)

It's durian season.. saw many ppl goin there to pick durians lor... Some picked le den sit by the road and eat the durians... wah... how i wish i can manage to get hold of one too... i spend quite some time wandering into the forest to find but to no avail.. Feel so disheartening sia...

But i dunno shld called it luck or quite suay lor... hiak.. I actually nearly kana hit by DURIANS !!!
I tot i cant find le but there.... they suddenly just fell from the "sky"... I was cycling pass when they fell... think the 2 durians just miss me by a metre or so... Scary sia but feel so happy.. Haha.. To think that many ppl looking for them (including me) and they just fell down for me... some more is so "fresh" ones lor... newly fell and given to me... yum yum..

We cycle damn alot sia... cycle till i so shag.. the road there is quite dangerous sia.. steep slopes and uneven terrain.. cycle downslope is super scary lor.... ur buttocks seems like going for a rough ride... haha

In the end.. we find a gd spot to have some rest and food... Bq's mom prepare some food for us... Bread with hotdogs and eggs.. yummy.. the kind of food that i like for a "picnic".. haha.. thanks to his mom...

To summarise.. although i dunno how to describe today as a day of fun filled activites but i did have a memorable day at Ubin.. the scenery and the experience is something that is worth remembering.. And thanks for the company, esp the organiser.. Bq.. haha..

Sayonnara..

I heard abt it.. Take care and hav fun...

they just dun understand...

i am surprised that it happened again... if only i can find someone to share it with.. haiz

Argh...

Feeling so tired now.. totally drain me out of my energy..

Ict did bring back memories...

Cheers.

i am happy that i drink to my sorrows... but maybe i should not have drink so much... (dun feel so well)


All the unhappiness pls do go away...

Dreaming

2 nights that i teared and 1 night that i cant seem to slp.. what is happpening?

It's another F

i am a failure..

Shag...

I need to find back myself...

难过

我就是这样。一点的不愉快就会让我把所有的不愉快通通都放在心里。我真的好累了。

Guess its not so bad to be alone...

为什么 越相信谁能依靠
越换来 又一次灵魂寂寥
有没有永远 再不会让心绝望的解药
如果说 越踏出世界一脚
越不能 保留住天真微笑
那从今以后 我一个人过 就很好

Always the angel watching over you..

it has really been a while since i last msg her... i am surprised with myself that i am not feeling so sad or angry over our relationship le.. Maybe time really heal things... but sadly to say.. i know i still have feelings for her... I cant help longing for her presence to be with me.. even for just a few minutes...

I am concerned abt her.. she cant slp well... i feel the heart ache... i pray and hope that she is able to have good rest every night.. the weird dreams just go away...

guess she always mean alot to me no matter wat has happened.. I wish her all the best and take good care of herself... hope she willl have happiness...

Looking back...

Photos carry memories of the past... i guess i am contented...

Couple rings???

Are they really significant? Wat in the hell is love now????

---stressed---

Thought i wun ever look back...

Ever since then.. have been trying to get away.. To let myself off....

But it just end up that i am still trapped up..

A padlocked box with no keys..

just to put away some memories which i guess... are forever kept just somewhere within myself...

Contented for now

just bought a camera and a nice headphone...

Loneliness

Things may look just the same without you now but i cant help thinking of you like i did in the past... A simple bazaar just lead to memories tha we had together... I am suppose to feel happy but i feel empty...

SoS

haiz.. i am really very stressed and vexed... argh....

It's a matter of time...

Some things are meant to be kept inside oneself... I should remember those lovely memories and forget those that bring upon sorrows... but is it that simple to be done?

i finally understand....

If anyone is to be blame, i guess the person is me...

i should be happy for her.... it's something that i have not given her all these while.. i'm sorry

14th Feb

Happy Valentine Day to the one i miss... take care of yourself...

只是一场梦

想念

I guess.. its my fault...

Maybe if taken the chance to tell her earlier... her decision may not be the same...

Guess now... face the reality and bear the sorrows ba... haiz

i am dreaming...

it just happen to come into my mind...

wo nan yi kang ju nan yi bu zai xiang nian...

wo shi zhen de fu chu wo de ai...

Day after day...

eventually it just happened again...

Just as i have expected...

i need rest...

it just feel terrible when one is sick.. cough.. sore throat... blocked nose.. argh... someone pls kill me!!!

Last night...

i cry in my dreams.... i am crying so hard... i feel the pain... feel totally breathless... i am holding her so tightly... i feel her so close yet so far...

there were tears in my eyes when i wake up... i really tot i have let it go...

haiz..

i dun feel well...

ARGH.........

i am useless...

it's hard to forget everything that happen...

爱一个人只是一瞬间， 和一个人相处是一段时间，但要忘记一个人却需要一生的时间。